Here, But Not Here

I was somewhere else and didn’t know it.

It’s something I do often, quite often. In fact, I’m “elsewhere” far more often then ever I realized. No, I’m not hallucinating, but you don’t have to do that to be elsewhere, to not be in the “now.”

Once you find your smile again you don't want to lose it.

Once you find your smile again you don’t want to lose it.

I dearly love my vivid imagination and it has served me well as a writer, but I’m not talking about that—exactly.

Some of my earliest memories include employing my imagination. Guess I was born with the skill. Of course, children “pretend” and dream, but later grow out of it to a degree.

Yeah, not me so much…

Anyway, as the world around me grew more harsh my daydreaming abilities grew more adept. In elementary school I was consistently an average student who was well behaved, but was cited for daydreaming too much. I was also obedient, so much so that to this day if you sit me in a classroom I’ll automatically straighten my back and clasp my hands on the desk in front of me.

Yet, regularly my eyes were directed towards the window, my mind far away…

That ability to disconnect, over time, came to include more than my imagination, but also my drive to please and achieve, to plan my next task—or the next five tasks.

Multi-tasking? Kinda. Efficiency? Oh, yes, I’m always about efficiency, always seeking to squeeze more out of the day, out of the hour, out of the moment…

…and placing one foot in the depression grave.

Huh?

Yes, it’s that same ability that depression used against me. Several days ago I started reading a book on the topic. Given that I’m only a third of the way through the book I don’t want to discuss it in detail at this point, but will draw conclusions about its merits next week. For now, I’ll say that it’s making a lot of sense and opening my eyes to traits that open the door for depression to return.

Don’t want that.

Don’t think anyone would want that.

So, back to the “grave” statement. My ability to easily (and often) disconnect from the moment is the same skill my depression uses against me. Rather then remain in the “now,” my thoughts disengage from reality and flee into the past or obsess about the future even while I’m busy performing tasks. Meanwhile, “the moment” (reality) is ignored.

I don’t think I’m explaining this well…I’ll try a different approach…

Ever arrive home from work and can’t remember the drive? Yeah, it’s similar to that. Ever pickup your coffee cup and discover it’s empty. Yeah, it’s like that, too.

It’s THAT disconnect. Rather then evaluate NOW on its own merits (and, by extension, me) my thoughts seize a bad moment from the past and run with it into the future to draw conclusions that have no basis in fact.

And all the while I’m sitting with a book in my hands that I’m not seeing because I’ve disconnected and run off to the world of negative thoughts. Then, when I return, the negative mindset comes with me.

Depression.

And all the easier to do if you’ve suffered from depression in the past!

Already—and with most of the book remaining—I’m becoming more aware of this dangerous tendency and finding it easier to return myself to “the moment” before any damage is done. My fledgling awareness is also making me aware of how often I leave the moment. While it’s a scary thing to discover, it’s also an awakening.

I’m excited about all this and wanted to share. If the book’s promise holds through to the end I’ll return next week to talk about it in more specific terms.

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About Ontyre Passages

Alive and well in the Rocky Mountains. I'm a fantasy writer who also dabbles in poetry, short stories, and map making. My Ontyre tales are an alternative fantasy experience, the stories rich in mystery, adventure, and romance. Alternative fantasy? Not quite steampunk. Not quite gothic. In truth, the real magic is in those who discover what's within.
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5 Responses to Here, But Not Here

  1. You explained it very well. It’s too easy to live where you aren’t, so much so that you can begin to think the “other” place is real. Don’t lose that smile; it’s too beautiful. Those happy eyes are wonderful things.

    • You’re comment touched me deeply. Thank you. No, I won’t lose my smile (well, not for long, anyway). Life has taught me a lot about myself and if depression represented weakness I wouldn’t be here. I’m a fighter. Even when on my knees I’m still determined to win. I won’t give up and comments like yours only bolster my efforts.

  2. I have only been there under that dark cloud after I lost my brother to depression, it gave me some insight to his world and what he experienced every day. You are an amazingly talented individual keep working on those positive thoughts, no one can understand what it is like unless they have been there. But one thing for sure I never take it for granted if someone says they are depressed it is a crippling condition. I cant wait to hear about the rest of the book.

    • The book continues to teach me a lot. More important, they’ve a way of explaining that connects with me. For instance, they describe depression like a snare in the sense that quicksand is a trap. The harder you fight it the more it takes you down. When someone walks around repeating, “I won’t think negative thoughts, I won’t think negative thoughts,” all they’re doing is focusing on the negative thoughts. The longer this goes on the greater the hold. Worse, that hold becomes established pathways in the brain. That means that even if you shed your depression for months it’s still easier for it to come back. In the book they teach how to properly shed depression, which in turn allows those pathways to erode. I hope the book continues to fulfill its initial promise. So far, so good.

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